Why did I keep coming back?  Why did I come here?  Day after day I showed up knowing she would be here, accusing me.  She would always be here, and I was unable to stay away.  But today it was going to be different.  I was going to let her know that God had forgiven me.  I was going to face her.

”You,” she snarled while pointing her finger down at me.  “Look at you.  Who do you think you are?  Look at me!”

I started shaking, incapable of looking up. She knew everything.  All the horrible things I had ever done.  She knew the worst about me, the BIG thing.  She was not the type of woman to hold her tongue. She pierced my heart and spirit quicker then anyone else could.

”I saw you went to church the other day.  What gives you the right to go there?  Oh, and you volunteered to help out?  Who would want your help?  If they knew what kind of person you were, they would never let you do a single thing.  I know what kind of person you are.  The kind of person who screwed up!  How could you do that?  You are stupid, a complete idiot.  Look at yourself.  You can’t even look at me.”

I backed away.  I could not listen anymore, but she was in my thoughts, her words pounded in my brain.  

“Yeah, and you are supposed to be a Christian?  Some Christian you are. You say that God forgave you.  Uh huh, sure he did,” she snarled sarcastically.

I worked up my courage to speak.  I hated the way she made me feel like a complete wimp.  “Well, God d-d-did f-f-forgive me.  It says so in his w-w-word.”

”Oh, I s-s-see!” She mimicked.  My whole face turned red with embarrassment.  

”Then why won’t you look at me,” she taunted.  “You don’t even know who I am anymore, or who you are, do you?”

”Yes, I know who I am!” My whole body trembled, but I knew it was time.  Time to face her and stand my ground.  God had forgiven me.  I sent a quick prayer toward heaven, took a deep breath, and began to speak with my eyes shut, my fist clenched.

”I am God’s child.  In Him, I am a new creation.  I’m not same girl that you accuse me of being.  I asked God to forgive me and He threw my sin away into the sea of his forgetfulness.  He remembers it no more.  Only you remember!  He doesn’t.  It’s over.”

Silence.  Where was she?  I swallowed and opened my eyes.  She had not uttered a word.  As I raised my head, tears began pouring from my eyes.  I looked into her face.  She was crying too!  No, that was me, crying.  I was facing myself in a mirror.  It had been me the whole time.  I was the accuser, my own worst enemy.  

I smiled at my reflection.  Yes, I am the daughter of the Most High.  My heart is clean and I can stand with my head high and a smile on my face.  The guilt—that is what always makes me hang my head, but no more.  I stand here knowing no stain remains of my sin.  I stand here pure, confident, forgiven.

Low self-esteem plagues millions of us.  I used to always say that I had low self-esteem until I heard a speaker say that low self-esteem was a pride issue.  My face turned red.  Low self-esteem is being consumed with yourself and how YOU feel.  This battle of the mind is winnable in your mind, and no where else.  Low self-esteem remembers everything wrong you have ever done in your life and relishes repeating these messages in your head over and over again.  God has already given us His forgiveness, but we forget to accept it.

Count yourself lucky, how happy you must be—you get a fresh start, your slate’s wiped clean.  Count yourself lucky—God holds nothing against you and you’re holding nothing back from him.  When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became daylong groans.  The pressure never let up; all the juices of my life dried up.  Then I let it all out; I said, “I’ll make a clean breast of my failures to God.”  Suddenly the pressure was gone—my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared.~Psalms 32:1-5 MSG